American Idol 10: In Which I Get McPheevered. Again.

I thought I could focus on La Bamba's suspenders or Rock of Ages' skinny jeans/warbling disaster or even the monstrosity that is otherwise known as Iggy Pop. But no. You people have made me mad.

And now I'm done. McPheever me once, shame on me. McPheever me twice?

Well that's it.

J.Lo or not, I'm through.
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American Idol 10: In Which People Do Not Listen To My Advice

Remember when Nigel said there weren't going to be any more theme weeks? That would have been nice. I'm sorry, but I don't like Motown. And I don't like hearing kids talk about how they've never heard these songs before, but they're amazing! Ugh. Shut up children.

Right now, I'm in this for J.Lo. But I suppose I have to talk about the contestants too. Fine.

Zac Brown Band (Casey Abrams) - "Heard It Through the Grapevine" - OK fine. But remember what I said last week. America does not like weird. Tone it down.

Mulan (Thia Megia) - "Heatwave" - I'd be totally behind this if I were at a wedding. Which means I'd also be loaded and more willing to dance. But we're only 19 minutes into this thing, so I've only had like three drinks - and I'm not willed to even get up from the couch. You have a nice voice, and an especially nice lower register, but eh. I'll like you better when I have the opportunity to slip you a fiver and ask you to sing Copacabana.

SIDEBAR #1: These new backup singers are awesome. And hopefully saying that didn't jink us.

The Screamer (Jacob Lusk) - "You're All I Need To Get By" - Watch out, Screamer. Kelly sang this song in Season 1. And you know how I feel about singing past Idol songs, especially songs that winners chose. The only thing you inspire me to do is go and listen to their version. Be right back.

Yup. I still like Kelly's version better. And I still do not like the strange yawny quality to The Screamer's voice. Or his crazy droopy earrings (with matching cufflinks). Also, special thanks to the backup singers for stomping on my previous praise with a flat opening phrase. Well done, kids.

SIDEBAR #2: Sit down, Grandma. This is national television. At least Seacrest is playing it for laughs.

Two-Toned (Lauren Alaina) - "You Keep Me Hanging On" - It makes me nervous that you look so much like Topanga from Boy Meets World this week. Also that you look so pretty, because I've never thought of Topanga as a pretty lady. God, I'm all confused. I might have enjoyed this more if you'd kept it slow like you started it. Because this version was pretty typical. I even like Quinn's cold shoulder rendition from the first season of Glee better than this. But I don't think it should send you home just yet. Just...do better next week, ok?

DUI (Stefano Langone) - "Hello" - Sigh. What did I JUST SAY?! David Cook has already killed this (Seacrest even brings it up, dumbass). Stop it. STOP IT. And don't even get me started about the monstrosity of those blue velcro shoes. Why do the kids insist on tucking their cuffs into their high tops these days? I saw a kid at the movie theatre yesterday who had freaking TIGHT ROLLED HIS JEANS to get the desired effect. The only good thing about this performance was listening to J.Lo's wisdom at the end.

SIDEBAR #3: I actually don't mind that my tivo keeps cutting out because then I can imagine something else is happening.

Scarnato 2.0 (Haley Reinhart) - "You Really Got a Hold On Me" - Did we learn nothing from the original Scarnato's short shorts nonsense? (Clearly, because they helped her stick around a few weeks longer than she should have.) I'm annoyed by this song, because it always sounds too slow. And the Janis Joplin vibe, yo, is misplaced in a song like this. Luckily we can always count on Steven Tyler to liven things up, because the song didn't do it for me.

Jackson Straight Black (Scotty McCreery) - "For Once In My Life" - This is...uncomfortable. Although I don't think I need to hear any more country ballads from this kid, I don't enjoy the awkward uptempo vibe here. But I'll take it for the bass notes, because there aren't enough basses in mainstream music. And because that's what J.Lo likes, and we're best friends, so I'm going to go with it.

Zadora (Pia Toscano) - "All in Love is Fair" - Props for always dressing like my BFF J.Lo. If it helps you get votes, I'm all for it. Because you have the best voice here (and a rocking McPheever falloff) and if you hurt my feelings by being second place to someone floppy, I'm going to be unhappy with you.

SIDEBAR #4: I've never seen string players clear the stage that quickly.

Floptastic (Paul McDonald) - "Tracks of My Tears" - You're starting off on the wrong foot by saying that you can't help but move when you sing it. Ugh. And if I have to close my eyes to get through it, fine. Because every time I hear you say "what's going on y'all?" I close my eyes with angst. But here's the truth about this song though: I don't like it. I didn't like it when Glambert dramaticized it a few years ago, and I don't like it now. So your star is starting to fade with me, Floptastic. Careful. Careful.

Kiss the Rain (Naima Adedapo) - "Dancin' In the Streets" - That's too many bracelets. And putting tribal drummers on the stage will not hide the fact that you have a tiny range. And the notes at either end are flat. Wait - remember? This is a singing competition. Not dancing. While I appreciate that you understand the dancing is your strong point, I do not want to see it. Take some voice lessons.

SIDEBAR #5: I'm bored. Do you hear me, children? I'm BORED.

Talypo (James Durbin) - "Living For the City" - I can't even listen to this song, because I was thinking about a nickname that would involve the insipid scarf tail, and as soon as Talypo popped into my head, I was transported back to kindergarten when my librarian read a chilling story to us, a story which still gives me nightmares. And now I am mad at this dude for not only choosing a lame song, but for always wearing that stupid scarf which is going to make it awfully difficult to sleep tonight. Jerk.

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RESULTS SHOW

Ok, something I do enjoy about this season: this new mentor program appears to be helping a lot. And while I don't love Marc Anthony, man was he helpful. Monitors and sound make such a difference when you're performing and usually the first few weeks are wasted while the kids learn how to deal with the stage.

And talking about that helped to distract me from "Ain't No Mountain High Enough". Damn, that was a lot of screaming. WHY DON'T YOU PEOPLE LISTEN TO ME? Now I'm not even in the mood for Stevie.

But there's cake. I always make time for cake. As a matter of fact, I should probably have some now. It goes well with wine. And Sugarland.

Speaking of, alert reader Ashley felt that this week's anger should be focused on Jennifer Nettles. And while I'll agree that she's a disaster live (what IS that outfit?), I like the songs. So I just use this time to refill my glass and don't actually watch.

Besides, I have to reserve a lot of anger for wasting my time with Hulk Hogan and his poor stage punch. As fun as it is to see Seacrest go flying, it's not worth it when you can see it's not real.

And the only thing I got from JHud's performance was a couple of nice piano glisses, and the awareness of the lack of swaying hands in the audience this season.

RESULTS: Well ZBB, if you'd listened to me in the first place, we wouldn't be in this position. And luckily you haven't pissed off the judges enough to keep them from saving you. Now next week, you need to do better. Do you hear me? Do you hear J.Lo? DO BETTER.

NEXT WEEK: I'm already angry. I hate Elton John. Ugh.

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American Idol 10: A Short Essay on Anger

So my schedule and my malfunctioning tivo have prevented me from being an active watcher this season. Luckily, I have random Saturdays which allow me to watch 4-5 episodes at once. This also allows me to fast forward through the drivel that occupies about half (who am I kidding - 9/10) of each episode. I was enjoying the new backup singers and J.Lo's crazy loud bracelets, and I was just going to go along and watch and try to catch up on the blogging next week.

Until now.

What. Was. That?! There is so much disaster going on here, I don't even know where to begin.

Let's start with anger. I've said far too many times that "Alone" needs to be retired. I don't care who you are. I don't care if you're awesome. You are not Carrie Underwood. And on the Idol stage, that song is hers. Forever. Why can't you people get it through your heads? The Screamer (Jacob Lusk) needs to take it down about 20 notches. Also, his earrings looks like they're making his earlobes droop. That makes me uncomfortable. But not as uncomfortable as the wailing that keeps coming out of his mouth. I had wandered into the kitchen for a minute, and then he changed keys, and I looked around, thinking I had stepped on my cat or something. That's not good singing. Not good at all.

Zac Brown Band (Casey Abrams) needs to worry a little less about being different and just sing. Nirvana does not belong on American Idol. Come on. While I appreciate your efforts to go in an anti-Taylor Hicks sort of direction, you need to remember that this is a singing competition.

Zadora (Pia Toscano) is going to make me McPheever, isn't she? I'm going to love her, and then she's going to let me down when ZBB wins. And then she's going to flounder in the adult contemporary charts for the rest of her career. Ugh.

And finally, Floptastic (Paul McDonald), let's talk about you. If you point into the air one more time, I will come down to that theatre and rip your stupid blazer off and hit you in the head with it. And since there are tons of sequins and buttons on all of your clothes, I imagine this will hurt. Stop flopping around like a fool on that stage. Seriously, you are making me angry.

I know, I know. It's early. The wheat will eventually be separated from the chaff, and then I can just focus on J.Lo and her bracelets. But until then I'm going to be mad.

Mad.

SHOULD GO: At least 6 of these kids.

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Top Chef All Stars: Episode #3 - Not Half Bad. Not Half Good Either.

I probably shouldn't watch episodes 2 and 3 back to back (especially after the madness of Jenn C's elimination), but if they don't bring me back fast, I'm out for the season. There's a lot on the line here. And it's not going to be easy in an episode with Wylie Dufresne on the judges' panel. Man, that guy makes me mad. Get a haircut.

It seems like we're back on track with the schedule this week. And Hootie Hoo gave me a cheer, so we're starting off on the right foot.

QUICKFIRE: I had to rewind and watch the explanation again (because I was busy looking up how to spell Dufresne) and I'm glad I did. This challenge rules. (Kind of a cop-out for two teams to rock a lamb carpaccio, but I suppose they didn't have much choice.) Even if the food didn't look especially good, it was still worth it for the comedy. Especially funny that the Green Team was in the bottom, even after winning the prep section. Ha. Looks like Tight Pants isn't so awesome after all.

OBSERVATION #1: Do we think the producers realized just how lame last week's episode was? Is that why they've raised the stakes here? I love the concept of two people going home. Love it.

Woo! I also love how Tight Pants and Wide Knot are really emerging as the douches of the group. Wide Knot especially. We all know he's not a chef. He's a glorified host. And what's with the white blazer? Come on. I'd rather you had an addiction to cocaine - at least you'd be more of a wildcard.

SIDEBAR #1: Does anyone else miss Seth from TC: Just Desserts? He would be crazyland in this show. Especially with all the knives around.

On an unrelated note, I don't think I could handle a cocktail featuring a small fish. I would worry that A) it was looking at me the whole time and B) it was actually swimming in vodka, which I would later have to drink. I'll do a lot for vodka, but I don't know if I could actually do that.

Hootie Hoo is using the nitrogen? Beautiful. Don't let me down, lady.

OBSERVATION #2: Ugh. Where's Gail? Who's this chick?

TEAM MAREA: I don't know what most of these words mean. Can you make a panna cotta out of mushroom? Or a vinaigrette out of prosciutto? The onion is in the shape of a squid? I don't understand what's going on here at all.

OBSERVATION #3: I'm so sure Padma is hailing her own cab.

TEAM MA PECHE: White chocolate with fish? That's not ballsy, Tight Pants. That's gross. I don't care what Faux-Gail thinks. Here's the best part of this group: "I just have a very difficult time trying to figure out Fabio's dish." Ha! You and me both, Tom.

TEAM TOWNHOUSE: Popcorn! A scallop that's not a scallop! And Rainbow throws caution to the wind and makes a soup! (Yes, I understand that's her thing. If it's not scallops, it's soup. But I'm trying to stay positive here.)

SIDEBAR #2: In the interest of staying positive, I will bring up how happy I am to not see Toby Young any more. Man, that guy sucked.

TEAM WD50: Ew. All of this stuff looks gross. Even my Hootie Hoo. As expected, DoucheFoam made something appropriately both douchey and foamy. But I'm as surprised as the judges that he wasn't douchier and foamier.

TOP 4: UTR, Tight Pants, Angry Dale and Biceps. Sure, why not? I still don't like Angry, but his dish looked somehow the least disgusting of the four at WD50, so I guess he deserved it. At least they didn't award that white chocolate nonsense. Tight Pants, indeed.

BOTTOM 4: Incomprehensible, PLFASPV, Wide Knot and Headband. Well, I've been waiting for two of them to go home for two weeks now...but I'm not sure the judges will agree. Incomprehensible is annoying, but he's good for comedy, especially when he yells at Bourdain. Headband is too jazz-handsy for my liking, but I don't need him to leave. In a perfect world it would be PLFASPV and Wide Knot.

ELIMINATION: But I think we all know it's not a perfect world. I suppose I should be happy to finally get rid of Wide Knot, but this is definitely a bittersweet victory. Is it enough to get me totally back on the bandwagon? No. But I'll keep at it. After all, my wine would be lonely if I didn't.

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Top Chef All Stars: Episode #2 - Not Right On So Many Levels

Considering that all I've consumed today is chips, salsa, peanut butter balls and malbec, it's been a pretty good Saturday. And you know, I bet the kids would love that stuff at midnight. (Although let's be honest, this malbec isn't going to last until 5pm, let alone midnight.)

And what is Joe Jonas doing here? (Come on Angry Dale, a pastry chef?) I'm sure he's a great judge for something like Star Search Kids, but a cooking - [ed. note - here I actually had a long rant about Joe Jonas and his qualifications and may or may not have used the terms "brat" and "child" and "puberty." But I don't actually have any feelings, positive or negative, about the Jonas Brothers. And he's 21. So...well...there's that. Back to the drinking.] - show? No.

QUICKFIRE: I'm with Rainbow Scallop. Why does everyone have to help with the quickfire? Just because Jonas couldn't make up his mind? Are these teams going to stick around for the challenge? Aren't they uneven? Is someone going home after the quickfire? What's going OOOOONNNNNNNN?!

Sorry. I got a little carried away and whiny. Maybe it's all the children. God, they're loud. And stupid. There's not enough wine in the world to make me want to be in that room with the screaming and the sugar and the Jonas and the screaming. And, you know, the screaming. On a related note, PLFASPV (Tiffani F.) was lucky to score after last week's poor performance.

SIDEBAR #1: Once, I went to a nighttime cocktail party at the Museum of Science and Industry. And we walked around in the dark. While drinking. It was really cool. The moral of this story is that DoucheFoam is right. Screw sleep. Run around the museum.

Why am I so not into this episode? To be honest, I'm focusing more on the strange chef fashion (were those really Pumps I saw, Spike?) and the indifference I feel with so many of these people. Tre. Tiffany. Headband Dale. Angelo. Stephen. I don't care about any of you. At least make me angry about something. I can't even muster some angst for Rainbow and her two stitches. (But I can definitely be annoyed with Incomprehensible and Headband and Antonia telling us how tough they are with their fingers and their forks and their duct tape. Wait. I don't think that's how I intended for that to happen. Oh well.)

SIDEBAR #2: When I was in the first grade spelling bee, I studied really hard. I was all set to spell brontosaurus. It never came up. I still won, but it wasn't satisfying. My winning word? Cake. So watching all this Team Brontosaurus stuff has left me with a feeling of unfinished business. I should probably eat some cake.

OK I figured it out. Here's what's wrong: the lack of early decision in the Quickfire challenge has completely thrown me off. It's like I started the episode halfway in and have spent the whole time trying to catch up. Listen up, producers. Don't mess with success. Give me guest judge, quickfire, quickfire winner, challenge, judges eating, judges table, elimination. Blam. None of this "Oh Joe Jonas (lame) can't decide, so we're going to go get children to scream really loud and that will help propel us right into the challenge." Except it didn't.

And what's with Katie Lee? Why is she here? Man, I see why she got fired. She's blander than...than...polenta cake? Well, something bland. See? She's so snooze-inducing, I can't even mock.

SIDEBAR #3: If you serve a DiSarrono on the rocks and then put 4 ounces of ginger ale in the glass, then it's no longer a DiSarrono on the rocks. It's a DiSarrono and ginger ale. (Not that anyone in their right mind would actually drink a DiSarrono on the rocks.) Maybe it's time for a new sponsor?

BRONTOSAURUS: I haven't even paid attention to the cooking here. Some sort of fruit in cream, potato gnocchi, and some random argument about plums. And then banana parfait wins? That's the winning dish? Wow. Powerful stuff, guys.

SIDEBAR #4: Oh Gail. They never listen, do they?

T-REX: None of your dishes sound very good. And Glass Ceiling: All Stars is just driving more nails into her coffin. (This is when we ask if fighting is actually helpful - although Tom says it doesn't bother him, you know that Gail is not pleased. She didn't like Tre's aggressive sauce, I guarantee she doesn't like GC:AS's ranting.)

SIDEBAR #5: This is lame. As lame as Katie Lee.

ELIMINATION: What?! Jenn C? The second elimination? Before all the people who are so boring that I can't even muster up nicknames for them? That's just crazy. Nothing about this episode is making me want to watch the rest of the season.

I need some scotch.

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Top Chef All Stars: Episode #1

OK, I approach this season with some trepidation. I only watched Seasons 4-6, so there's all these strangers here that I've only seen on random specials. And some of those that I do know, I can't say I've missed. I'll just say it: I'm here for two things: Hootie and Hoo. And, you know, the wine.

OBSERVATION #1: 90% of the cast appears to have made an obvious effort to have a different hairstyle. Except Marcel. And this is the problem. Why does he continue to think that's appropriate, even after all these years. I'm glad my wine rack is fully stocked.

SEASON 1
Pretty Lame For a Self-Proclaimed Villain (Tiffani F.) - Oh ha. You're worried about Elia? You might need to be worried about your friend Stephen. And yourself. Looks like Season 1 isn't the best season after all.

FOH & A Great Dresser (Stephen) - Yeah, I mean that ironically. First of all, let's talk about the fact that you're wearing a tie. Who are you trying to impress? We know how hot it is in that kitchen (thanks TV Guide Behind the Scenes) since the fans make too much noise for the cameras. This, paired with the fact that you look like a pretentious douche, tells me that you're overdressed. Or maybe it's the other way around. I'm already on my third glass. Do you see what you people are doing to me?

OBSERVATION #2 - If I have to hear one more person say "Our season was the best season" I am going to throw something.

SEASON 2
DoucheFoam (Marcel) - The smirk that is ALWAYS on your face makes me crazy. I swear, if I had a plate of your foam nonsense I would not be able to stomach it. That's not food.

G. I. Jane (Elia) - Not very tough there, Jane. Come on, you shaved your head way back when. And now you can't even watch the screen? Way to wuss out. Oh, good job on the scale too.

OBSERVATION #3 - Ha! Redoing the dish that sent them home? Brilliant.

SEASON 3
She Who Sabotaged My Hootie Hoo (Casey T) - I refuse to enjoy you in any manner. No.

(Tre) - Eh.

(Dale L.) - Eh.

OBSERVATION #4 - Gail! I know I just finished watching Just Desserts yesterday, but I was already started to miss you.

SEASON 4
(Richard): Keep up the good cooking, Blaise. Although I'm happy Stephanie ultimately won your season, I was still disappointed with your previous choke. But the disqualification was just lame - no more sloppy mistakes!

(Dale T) - I'll just wait till the first time you freak out on everyone to bother.

UTR (Antonia) - Under the radar. Just like last time. Well, whatever works.

Crafty Motherf*cker (Spike): Oh ha. Frozen scallops. You haven't gotten rid of your stupid hats, but I still enjoy your craziness. Maybe you could figure out how to not look like a hobo?

OBSERVATION #5 - Man, I'm spending a lot of time just trying to figure out who is who. There's all these Tiffanys and Dales and...ugh.

SEASON 5
Incomprehensible (Fabio): Nope. Still don't understand anything you're saying. But I can tell you have it out for Bourdain. Get over it Fabio - your food clearly wasn't good. That's why you were a host on the last reunion. Stop arguing. Just stop.

Hootie Hoo (Carla) - You don't blame Casey? I do. Oh Carla, how I've missed having you on my television. Thank you for Hootie Hoo-ing right when you entered the apartment. No peas this time, ok?

Rainbow Scallop (Jamie) - Even with no soup or scallop, you wind up in the top 3? All right then.

OBSERVATION #6 - I can't understand the knot on Stephen's tie.

SEASON 6
Hot Chicks With Douchebags (Mike I) - You were boring today. Eh.

Glass Ceiling (Jen C) - Yeah, I expected you to school everyone (especially Tiffani) too. What happened? Come on.

OBSERVATION #7 - I had really hoped to emerge from this episode without picturing Bourdain getting a colonoscopy. Damn.

SEASON 7
I hear your season was the lamest. So I'm not even going to bother.

ELIMINATED: G.I. Jane. Oh well. That final plea was pretty lame. So you probably deserve it. But we should have known when they showed you being all cocky at the beginning.

NEXT WEEK: Will the elimination of one loser make it easier for me to decipher between all the rest? Will Hootie Hoo come out on top? Will I find the bottom of my bottle? And the most important question: whose cute little ass does Paula Dean want to whoop? Only time will tell.

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American Idol Top 6: The Day That Don't Impress Me Much

If I didn't know the producers are enjoying the tension (or whatever you call it) between Simon and Kara, I'd expect Ellen to sit in the 3rd seat next week. Because the interrupting and the annoying were ramped up tonight higher than they've ever been before. Kara. Settle. Down.


On an unrelated note (you know, because we're only partly here to talk about anything relating to music) I enjoy Shania Twain. I would enjoy it if someone rocked "When" or "No One Needs to Know Right Now". But I have a feeling I'm going to be let down. Or the Screamer is going to put together a medley of the two just to ruin them for me. (Actually, I've got her pegged for "Man I Feel Like a Woman" or "Any Man of Mine" just for the sheer comedy.)

Also? Shania's hair is incomprehensibly large.

You're Still the One ("You're Still the One") - OK Dawg, for me for you, this wasn't as awesome as I wanted it to be. Especially at the beginning (that first note was painful). But since the judges are all for sending you to the finals, I'm still on board. And I voted for you many many times tonight. Just remember - a solid second place finish is nothing to sneeze at. But first is better.

Big Poppa ("It Only Hurts When I Breathe") - Man, you cannot start off every song originally sung by a woman in that "This Woman's Work" falsetto. (That's right kids - keep harping on Maxwell, but Kate Bush did it first, and she did it better.) As soon as you did that, I stopped listening. I know Ellen says it sounded like Luther Vandross, and I'd probably agree. Since I don't love Luther's music, that's probably why I don't care about you anymore.

SIDEBAR #1 - Geez, does every performance have to be a ballad tonight?

Goldilocks ("Don't") - Oh well. It was a killer performance. And there was some nice vibrato control. Good job Goldy. But still...I'm bored. Maybe it's because I've been drinking for the past nine hours and I've run out of bourbon.

Ginger Vitis ("No One Needs To Know") - Yeeeesssss. A) We're behind you and your earth mother ways. B) If your boyfriend doesn't man up soon, he's a douche. C) Even though you slowed this down a little too much (and went a little TOO country) for my liking, I'm glad you went for something that sounded modern instead of just wailing Janis-style on another ballad. But can you please tell the Kara-doppelganger to pull away from the backup notes just a bit?

SIDEBAR #2 - Let's take a look at what just happened. The judges learned their lesson with Mindy Doo. You can't pimp them out every single week and expect them to win. And now they're trying to reverse psychology the audience into ramping up the votes for Ginger. It might work.

The Infant ("It's In the Way You Love Me") - Oh good. Another ballad. Guys, you're letting me down this week. It's country week for crying out loud. Although this is kind of snoozy, it sounds pretty good and that was some excellent mic work. HOLD THE PHONE. I just remembered the words to this song and had to rewind. Did The Infant actually decide to sing "it's in the way we make love"? Oh ha ha ha. "The way you show your love." OK then. Thanks for going with class over inappropriate and creepy.

SIDEBAR #3 - Way to step on my point, Kara.

The Screamer ("Any Man of Mine") - Wow. (To be fair, I typed that before this performance even started - I'm just preparing myself mentally for the onslaught.) No. Stop. Stop that. Oh come on. You can't just take a mediocre (which is being generous) karaoke performance and top it with some screams at the end and call it good. And judges? What are you doing? That was poor. Enough with the pimping.

SIDEBAR #4 - I'm kind of enjoying the new trend of having the mentor sit right there next to the judges so we can see their reaction. Shania had some good moments. Moments when she did not look as pleased as she might be leading us to believe.

BOTTOM 3 - If it were up to the producers: Goldy, The Infant, Big Poppa
If it were up to me: The Screamer, The Infant, Big Poppa
If it were up to America, who has a history of being stupid: YSTOIL, Goldy, Big Poppa

SHOULD GO: Screamer
WILL GO: I'm going to be bold and say that country week and singing for his mother has saved The Infant for one more week. It's probably Big Poppa's time to go.

TOMORROW NIGHT: Rascall Flatts, Sons of Sylvia (eh), Lady Antebellum (yeah!) and...Shakira? Not Shania? Boo.

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American Idol Top 7: The Day I Fight Off Boredom

Wow. We're so pressed for time the judges don't even get a real entrance? Sad. And yet...we still run over into Glee's time slot. Good job, control room. Well, because you can't be bothered to give me a normal intro, I'm not giving you one either.

Goldilocks ("Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac) - Eh. I actually spent this performance reading about Joanna Pacitti. Why, you ask? Because this was boring. I don't like Fleetwood Mac. And I don't like Goldilocks standing around, playing the guitar and bleating like a sheep. What's that you say? He walked around this time. Oh good. I was wrong - that four feet made all the difference.

My Favorite Paint Salesman ("The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel) - Oh MFPS. I don't like Simon and Garfunkel either. But I kind of like this song, because it's fun to say "psshhhh" after "lie la lie." And although I enjoyed this performance (as I am wont to do) I spent most of the time looking around the stage to figure out what instrument makes that sound. I'm disappointed - because I don't see anything that I can buy online at Musicians Friend. But at least you're wearing a new color of shirt. So there's that.

SIDEBAR #1: I got home from the gym too late to vote (Yes, sometimes I do that. Don't worry - I spiked my protein shake with some rum. It's important to retox after the detoxing.) but I swear, if America pulls another Daughtry and sends my favorite rocker home before the finals, I am going to do something drastic.

Gazpacho Fauxfron ("Better Days" by Goo Goo Dolls) - Once I tried to sing "Slide" at a karaoke bar. Those songs are deceptive. They start all nice and low and you think "Hey, I'm pretty good at this." You know, you're like that violinist who nodded with quiet pride during some bars of rest at the top of the song. And then it goes to places you don't want it to go. But then you do a shot and it's ok. Or at least you don't mind that you actually can't hit those high notes at all. This performance was just like that. Except it didn't go anyplace at all. But the shot I just had helped a bit.

The Infant ("I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly) - Uh...you've been singing this song since you were five, because you're what now? Twelve? You make me feel old. Especially when you continue to wear those Members Only lookalike jackets. But let's focus on the big elephant in the room. An R. Kelly song performed by a kid who has barely hit puberty? Oh gentle irony. (And A. Kelly, Seacrest? No.)

SIDEBAR #2: I actually had to rewind to see what the infant was doing with his hands. For a second I thought he was flashing a purity ring. But no. It was just a weird way of telling people to vote for number four. Sad.

The Screamer ("When You Believe" by Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston) - Oh come on. Are there butterflies on your shoulder? Oh god, they're all over you. I used to think butterflies were moderately fun - but that was when I also enjoyed the rest of the magnets on my grandma's fridge. Don't even get me started on your weird friends. Or that performance. Because it was lame. Boring. And I'm tired of your games and your whiny excuses after the judges give you less than glowing critiques.

Big Poppa ("Hero" by Chad Kroeger) - Ha. Nickelback. On Idol. I love it. OK, make fun of Nickelback as much as you want (because there's a lot to make fun of), but they have more fans than Hannah Montana. Seriously. They were ranked as the 11th best selling music act of the 2000's (thanks Wikipedia). And this is a pretty good song. And a decent performance. I like Big Poppa and I'm glad he's around. For the most part.

SIDEBAR #3: So do we think they will actually send someone home tomorrow night? Or will they go through the motions of making people stand up and then make Ginger think she's headed home a la Jordin in 2007? I'm thinking they'll have an elimination as planned, provided the last place finisher isn't Ginger or MFPS.

Ginger Vitis ("People Get Ready" by The Impressions) - Ginger, here's what I have to say. I would like to hear you sing something modern. I know, I know, we had Elvis week and Beatles week and you were kind of limited then. But this song is from 1965. Also? You should have done this whole song a capella. I'm still on board (it's a good thing I don't need a ticket, because all I have is this gin rickey), but I need something more than you breaking down at the end of a song and then being interrupted by my TiVo --

And now we're watching Jimmy Fallon and his crew Glee it up to "Livin' On a Prayer." Actually, I'm enjoying this more than writing about Ginger. Let's call it a night.

BOTTOM THREE: (They didn't call out the bottom three at the previous IGB episodes...we'll see if they do this year) Goldy, Screamer, Gazpacho
SHOULD GO: Screamer
WILL GO: Gazpacho

Tomorrow night: Star studded. Or something. I don't see Kelly on that list. So I don't think I care. But it's better than the Breast Cancer Three Day, so I'm more likely to part with some of my hard-earned drinking money.

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Idol Top 9 (Week Two) Results: They Day Our Prayers Are Finally Answered

Oh this is not going to be good. Did you see that group performance? Sure, it's fine if you close your eyes and listen - you know, since they're totally lip syncing. Wait. No it's not. Some songs are just not meant to be arranged for a show choir. (Yes, I'm sure Glee will prove me wrong at some point. But I will remain steadfast in my opinion on this matter.)

GROUP SONG: Fail.

FORD COMMERCIAL: Does someone miss the taping every week? What's up with Ginger?

JUDGMENT: All my anger is currently being directed at that stupid bow tie Gangsta Gokey is wearing. All of it. I want to rip it off his neck. And if he happens to choke when that happens, well that's a price I'm willing to pay.

ELIMINATION #1: Gangsta Gokey - Finally. But let's be honest. You really should have sung "Straight Up." Because that's all we've wanted from you since Day One.

CAMEOS: Elliott in Africa - I can't lie. I totally fast forwarded through this. Sorry, Africa.

Barefoot Potbelly (Brooke White) with Miley's ex - Well, you kids did your best. Come on Justin. You're trying to be a star. Maybe you look at the audience at some point. You can't always count on Potbelly to be there to carry you along.

SIDEBAR - The iTunes version of this is much better. Probably because you don't have to watch Justin looking petrified on stage and Potbelly looked skeeved that he is blowing it.

WickedRaverSiriano - Come on, Lambert. I actually liked this song. And you've managed to ruin it with your lasers and your weird rubato opening and your general off-key-ness. I'm not even going to mention the screaming. Unnecessary. Inevitable, but unnecessary.

ELIMINATION #2: Sorry Rory. Diana DeGarmo you aren't. You're not even Amy Adams. Give it a few more years and then head to the theatre. I'm sure there's a place for you as the Narrator in Joseph at the Toledo Community Playhouse.

Next Week: Inspirational Songs with Alicia Keys. Bleh. I'm already feeling uninspired.

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American Idol Top 9 (Week Two): The Day Elvis Rolls Over In His Grave

Wassup, Seacrest?

Oh come on. That's not the way to start things off. Nor do I agree with the concept of comparing Elvis with freaking WickedRaverSiriano. Let's not forget that I've been to Graceland twice.

Wait. There's so much to talk about right now, we don't even have time for sidebars:

A. WRS's hair
B. Seacrest singing Whatya Want From Me (why does he feel the need to sing something EVERY FREAKING WEEK?!)
C. Matthew Morrison in the audience wearing an inexplicable fedora
D. Seacrest's assertion that his tongue is not as talented as WRS's (you know, by singing)

And damn - Elvis didn't have a favorite drink. Some sources say screwdrivers, some say black velvet. Some even say he didn't drink alcohol. I don't like any of these sources. All right, we'll go with...Kentucky Rain. Makers it is.

Ginger Vitis ("Saved") - Dawg, you are like a broken record. But then again, I would be too. This was a great performance, an unfamiliar song (in a good way), and a nice change from the mellow/rock the Ginger's been showing us so far. But seriously...are we just going to keep Mindy Doo-ing it up here, or do you actually have a chance to win this thing?

SIDEBAR #1: And Jane Lynch!!!

Gangsta Gokey ("Hounddog") - I'll accept Wicked as a mentor if you keep telling people they're boring. GG - you need to watch out. Remember what happened last week when you put your "spin" on things? Because, yeah, this was "different." It just wasn't "great." (It wasn't karaoke, Dawg, but you're right - it wasn't good.) Especially the bridge - what was that? Really. What was it?

SIDEBAR #2: Uh...GG family? Putting the Drew Carey glasses logo on a piece of poster board is not the best marketing ploy I've ever seen.

Abs Fauxfron ("I Can't Help Fallin' In Love") - Nope. Wicked just lost me. There's no reason to have everyone sing that freaking high. It may work for you (except it doesn't always) but not all singers should try to hit notes meant for women. But I digress. Killer guitar - picking that consistently is not easy. And I like the variations on the melody (thank you for not falsetto-ing, dude), even if Abs has some difficulty going back and forth between the high and the low stuff. (Maybe Michael the music director should try to teach Abs about phrasing. No? Just a thought.) Now learn to have some emotion when looking at the camera, and I'll forgive your crazy hair. Because the vocals are getting there.

SIDEBAR #3: Roughneck's here?! And dancing? How did I miss that?

My Favorite Worrywart ("A Little Less Conversation") - Yeeeeeeessssssss. I would buy this right now if i-Tunes didn't make me wait until tomorrow. But let's talk America. We don't need another Daughtry situation, do we? Can you please do your part and vote?

MiniSituation ("Blue Suede Shoes") - Uh...no. When you are 12 and tiny, and wear jackets with gigantic collars, you are not allowed to sing this song. Sure, sure, it's uptempo, it's different that the snoozers you usually trot out. But no. Not for you.

SIDEBAR #4: I love a passarel as much as the next guy. But do we all need to use it? Going into the audience does not mean they're going to vote for you.

Screaming Pompador ("Suspicious Minds") - Ugh. This is in my top 5 songs ever. Do. Not. Piss. Me. Off...

NOOOOOOOO. DID YOU REALLY JUST SCREAM AND ASK FOR A BIG RUBATO TRUMPET ACCOMPANIMENT?!

No. Not that I was ever into this disaster, but especially at the beginning of the song it really dawned on me that maybe Screamer isn't actually that good of a singer. She can't sing slow, she can't sing soft, she can't sing low. All. She. Does. Is. Scream. Stoppit. STOPPIT.

SIDEBAR #5: You have to label yourself a little - otherwise where do they put you in the CD section at Target?

SIDEBAR #6: Dunkleman? Oh that was mean, Seacrest. Thumbs down.

Big Poppa ("In the Ghetto") - Yup. That was worth the save. An awesome song, and a kick ass performance. Dude, it's the ballads that the people want. Give it to them. If the Giraud Effect (tm) kicks in, you should be safe for another week.

Rory Waldorf ("Baby, What Do You Want Me To Do") - Props for not letting a smile slip through. The vocals were fine, the sass was fine (with the exception of neck moves), but there's still something missing. Like you could have gone maybe a third higher at the end, but stopped short - probably because you actually can't sing that high. Here's the problem - when you're singing, I should have moments when I say "Oh man, she's not gonna hit that no...wait! She did it!" Not "Come on...just a little higher...oh well."

SIDEBAR #7: Do you think they're being speedy with the critiques because Jane Lynch will kick some ass if they run over into Glee?

Goldilocks ("Lawdy Miss Clawdy") - Oooh. Rough start. Like in the wrong key rough start. But once the band kicked in, this wasn't too bad. Was it worthy of the clean up position? No, probably not. The sheep bleat just isn't working for me. Get that vibrato under control, chief.

BOTTOM THREE: MiniSitch, Gangsta, Screaming Pompador
SHOULD GO: Pompador
WILL GO: Gangsta

Tomorrow Night: WickedRaverSiriano doing Whatya Want From Me (ok), Barefoot Potbelly duetting with some dude from If I Can Dream (Justin Gaston - also Miley's ex, I hear), and probably some wretched Elvis group number. Oh well. You can't win 'em all.

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